The “Oh man, I love this girl so much” selfie/’us-ie’” (as my ever hip grandfather has informed me is the appropriate title)
New York the 2014 has been, ah, yeah, the best. I don’t know that I can compare it to many past visits (it is GREAT, but DIFFERENT, not necessarily better), but it is just what I needed for this moment.
The perfect blend of remembered friendship, foreign and familiar experiences and places, cultural blends, forgotten norms, revelations, family, purpose, and presence. I feel as if I have thought, felt, and realized more in the past week than the entirety of the past few months. Every day is full of good conversation, inspirational reads, delicious pastries and endless milk teas, parks, shows, slow mornings and perfect sunsets, everything unplanned but full and perfect..
I just feel MYSELF. The version of me that breathes freely, explores endlessly, thinks deeply, laughs loudly, and loves boldly.
And at the same time, I’m so surprised. I guess I am a lot closer the person that past Sara-In-NY would only look at from a distance.
Instead of quickly jotting down lyrics from bands heard overhead in the “cool” areas of town, I already am humming along.
The people I once admired from a distance (the effortless fashion sense, unique and creative self), while they, well, seemed to ignore my overall existence, have actually started seeking me out. Haha, what? And isn’t NY supposed to be unfriendly? I’ve found myself in more conversations with strangers than ever - only this time it’s not the disabled, drunk, or creepy who strike up a conversation, it is the people who I would consider wayyy to cool to talk to me, haaha. Of course, is it really an accomplishment that people who actually look hip are okay interacting with me in public? Considering that sometimes the more fashion conscience a person is, the more vain and the less interesting they seem to actually be as a person? Probably not an achievement to celebrate, hah. It is, though, reaaaally surprising (you guys! I’m from the midwest!! We start thinking something is cool, like, three years after you stop wearing it!)
Rachel’s boss asked if I could stay and work with them (that means free housing. In Brooklyn that’s unheard of), “She doesn’t want to stay? ..Well that’s a shame,. she’s really great, has such a great spirit about her.. but that makes sense that someone would already be utilizing her in Saint Louis.. that’s too bad..” …I didn’t even think he liked me!
On Sunday, suddenly aware of the fact that I was standing alone, eating in the corner as everyone talked in groups around me, I made my way over to Nick and Eric and said something like “I just realized I was the awkward kid at the party, who’s best friend is the punchbowl, so I thought I would join you guys.” Nick looked sort of disgusted and retorted something like, “No, you’re like the popular kid who everyone is talking to. ..Wait, no, you’re like the popular kid who everyone wants to talk to, but can’t because you;re busy talking to the unpopular kids.” He’s made several comments since, all regarding both Rachel and I’s intense popularity. ..What? I am pretty sure that is just about not anything that I would think about my nyc life, haha.
It”s just weird. I don’t feel different, yet the way people react to me is so different than my first internship here so long ago. At the same time, I can see a difference between my NYC self and my STL self.
In Saint Louis, there are so many truly great people and things and causes and activities that I want to do but end up becoming overwhelming.. it’s like I give everything the least I can so as to spread it out to everyone/everything. I’m positive that’s part of why I’ve felt so scattered, so absent, lately. Part of the magic of NYC is that I don’t have to think about tomorrow. About the piling tasks, the emotional weights, the expectations both real and imagined that hold me to standards that end up being more imprisoning than freeing. I can give everything to the MOMENT, and it’s so invigorating!
Speaking of the moment and hitting quotas, my indoor-on-a-beautiful-day quota has been reached, so I’m going to go now. This post makes me feel weird. I’m not trying to say I’m awesome. I’m trying to say that something has changed in the way I experience NY and the way it receives me, and I’m not sure how to take it. I also feel refreshed and lovely, and more true to myself and to God than I have in awhile, and I want to remember and learn from that. …I guess this paragraph could have accurately described the entire previous gazillion paragraphs, but aaaah well. ;p
Currently at: The only real coffee shop within an agreeable walking distance from 8th Ave - The Green Fig Bakery
Listening to: Hot Chip - Warnings
Drinking: Iced Chai